Al's Million Dollar Question
by Dreaming-Of-A-Nightmare
Summary: Al is on a quest of curiosity and knowledge: what, he wants to know, is sex? And how does it work? .:. Rated T for the sexual topic, but HAS NO lemon or pairings. This is just good, old fashioned humor.


**A/N: …This is an extremely silly idea my sister and I had while discussing how innocent (sex-wise, not seen-death-wise) Alphonse is, and how each of the different FMA characters might explain sex, and… yeah, a comic/video on dA/youtube in which Demyx from Kingdom Hearts tries to find out where babies come from. LOL. 8'D**

**Note: First anime world, but AU events of the finale; and CoS didn't happen. Which means Ed stayed in Amestris. So… yeah. XD**

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Alphonse Elric blinks his big, dark gold eyes at his older brother. "Ed?" he says sweetly, worming his way closer to the other boy. "Can I ask you a question?"

Edward nods and takes a sip of coffee. "Of course, Al. What is it?"

"How do people have sex?"

"PFFT!" The blond promptly spits out said coffee all over the table. "Wh-wh-what makes you ask that?"

Alphonse shrugs. "I don't know. It's just… my body's been feeling weird ever since I got it back, and I thought that it might be something related to mommy-and-daddy-grown-up-stuff, like sex."

"Wh-where did you even _learn_ that word?" the Fullmetal Alchemist sputters, still not used to his brother's mouth forming such a dirty phrase. After all, Al is only eleven in body at the moment; it's been a year since they got it back, and it seemed that he hadn't aged a bit, even though he remembers everything from his time spent in a suit of armor.

"I found it in the dictionary, but I didn't understand what it meant. It said something about 'sexual intercourse,' but I don't understand. Could you explain it to me, Brother?" the sandy blond requests with a pouting face. "Please?"

"NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT!" Edward explodes, his face burning a rich red that matches the same hue as his favorite jacket. "GO ASK SOMEBODY ELSE!" And he flees in a flustered blur, abandoning his coffee and escaping to someplace outside.

Al frowns and crosses his arms. "Tch, stupid Brother. It can't be that bad. What's he so embarrassed about?" Sighing, the young boy gets out of his chair and decides to go visit Winry; she and Izumi are currently staying in Central to look after the two Elric brothers, even though Ed is sixteen and can technically handle things.

"Winry?" Al calls out as he snoops around the mechanic shops in Central. "Winry…"

"Al?" a girl's voice replies, a blonde head popping out of a doorway. "Al!" she smiles cheerfully. "Hi! I was just teaching these guys about automail. They want to open up a shop here in Central."

"That's cool," Alphonse grins. "But Winry, I want to ask you something. Can we talk in private for a minute?"

She shrugs. "Okay, sure. Hold on a minute." And she pops back inside, says a few things, and then returns. She walks alongside her childhood friend towards the military headquarters up the road. "So, what's on your mind?"

Alphonse doesn't beat it around the bush. He states bluntly, "I want to know how people have sex, but Brother wouldn't tell me, so I came to you."

He watches as Winry's face turns a pretty shade of pink before she adverts her eyes and gives a wobbly smile. "Y-you really want to know about something like that? You're only eleven –"

"In _body,_" Al says with a roll of his hazel eyes, "But my memories go up until I'm fourteen! So please, Winry, can you tell me how? I want to know. I should know, since I'm going to have to know for when I'm older. It's how babies are made."

"Yeah, but…" she stutters, "Are you sure you want to know…?"

"I'm positive," he says firmly.

"Only fools are positive," Havoc remarks as he walks past them. He's smirking, a cigarette dangling out of his mouth. He's with Fury and Breda, and they are oddly dressed in civilian clothing. It must be their day off.

"Well, I'm trying not to be a fool," Alphonse retorts mildly. "I'm trying to find out what sex is."

Fury blushes; it seems to be a common response to the subject, Al notes. He also notes that Breda is grinning and Havoc is laughing.

"Oh, is that all? Well I could tell you, kid," Havoc replies, pointing to himself with his thumb. "That is, unless Blondie here is going to tell you."

Winry looks a little pissed, but she masks it with a sheepish smile. "No, it's okay. I'd rather not be the one to give Al the Birds and the Bees talk, thanks. I might be one of his best friends, but I don't really… fell comfortable… telling him that." And she slinks away.

Al turns back to Havoc. "So, could you? Tell me, that is. I wanna know."

Havoc gets a glint in his eye. "It's very simple, see… When you're a little bit older, your dick will get hard and –"

"Havoc!" Fury says, his glasses nearly falling off as he jumps to cover his co-worker's mouth this his hand. "Don't be so crude! He's only a kid!" The raven-haired man then turns to Alphonse and takes him by the shoulders, steering him away. "Don't listen to him, Al, he has no tact. And trust me, I've heard him give this speech before; it doesn't end well."

"Oh," Alphonse says, blinking. "Well, that's okay, because I didn't get what he was saying, anyhow." He brightens. "But you'll explain it to me, right?"

Fury shakes his head vigorously. "Oh, uh, er… no. I-I'm not really the type of guy, and – well, you should ask someone you know better, right?"

Alphonse rolls his eyes for the second time. "I keep trying that, but so far it hasn't worked. But I know a lot of people, so I guess I can keep looking." He glances over Fury's shoulder at Breda. "Like you?"

The short, wide man shakes his head curtly. "Nah, kid, I don't feel like it. I'm kinda lazy. But don't you have a teacher that's in town or somethin'? You could ask her," he suggests.

Al makes a fearful expression for a moment, but then remembers how gentle Izumi can be when she wants to, so he slowly nods. "You're right, I'll try asking her. She's like a mother to me, anyhow!" And he rushes off in search of the woman with dreadlocks.

He finds his alchemy teacher in her hotel room, a novel of some sort in her hands. She peers over the top of it as her husband, Sig, lets Al into the room. "Hello, Alphonse," she greets nonchalantly. "What can I do for you?"

"Teacher," Al says, his mouth dry in anticipation, "You've taught my brother and me about a lot of things. So, I was wondering… if…" He clears his throat. "If you could teach me what sex is and how it works?" he says in a rush.

Izumi blinks once, twice, then chuckles lightly as she sets down her book. "Oh, is that all? What a silly thing to ask. Shouldn't you wait until you're a little older to find out?"

He stiffens defensively. "Now is as good a time as any," he says rebelliously. "And besides, no one else has told me yet, not even Brother. So I thought I'd ask you."

She shakes her head. "It's quite simple, really: when a married couple wants children, they have intercourse and if all goes well, the woman winds up pregnant." Her face takes on a few shadows then, ones of loss. She sighs. "But if you want the specifics, I would go to somebody else. It's all science, but it's also something that's very intimate; that's why it's shared between a man and his wife, two people who love each other. Understand?"

Al makes a funny face. "I think so. Thanks, Teacher." He bows slightly. "But I still need more information about the dynamics of it. So I'll be on my way."

The stern woman shrugs. "Suit yourself."

And so Alphonse continues his quest, continuing to seek out people who have the answer to his million-dollar question.

He slips into Central Headquarters, in search of anybody else he might know; Roy Mustang, Riza Hawkeye, Alex Louis Armstrong – anyone will do. He wishes Maes Hughes were still here; surely the man would have explained it to Alphonse in a gentle and excited way, most likely with puppets or lively hand motions. Ah, good, old, reliable Hughes…

"Alphonse Elric?" a gruff voice says behind the honey blond. He turns around to find Major Armstrong there, sparkling with a smile under his great blond moustache. "What brings you here?"

"I'm on a quest," the boy says innocently, "To find out how sex works."

Armstrong's face goes pale and deadpan for a moment, and Al wonders suddenly if this is going to be like all of his other experiences with this topic: in vain.

But no, soon the major is glittering more than ever, his muscles bulging out of his uniform as he strikes a pose. "Ah, lovemaking! Surely one of the most beautiful and artful actions between two loving humans in order to create life! It is an act born of love and fluid grace, something that has been passed down in mankind throughout every generation! And you, my boy, could not have come to a better person to ask for such knowledge. I can inform about all of the glorious details of lovemaking –"

"Um, actually," Alphonse interjects with a sweatdrop sliding down from his hairline, "I didn't… really… ask you. I just said that I was looking for someone to ask. Thank you, but… I'll find somebody else." He had been wrong to come in here; he should have known better than to be in the same vicinity as someone like Armstrong. The young Elric shudders in thought of how the major might explain things to him.

The blond man looks momentarily disappointed before leaping back into his cheery self. "Nevertheless, young Elric, I wish you well in your quest and I hope that you find the answers you're looking for." And he pats Al on the head before strutting past the boy.

Al shakes his head at the strange – but oddly lovable – man. He ventures down a few hallways until he comes to Roy Mustang's office; the office of the Furor-King, since the old one had been killed (seemingly in a house-fire, but Al knows better) and Roy Mustang had stepped up as a great hero in Bradley's place. He finally got all the power he craved, as well as those miniskirt uniforms he'd been wanting.

Alphonse knocks on the door, and being a personal friend of the Furor, he's permitted access. Riza is at a desk near Mustang, a personally chosen secretary and right-hand woman. As well as his fiancée.

"Mustang, sir?" Al says meekly, "Can I ask you a question?"

"He's a little busy with some papers right now," Riza interrupts, even though Roy had clearly been about to speak, probably to agree. She's obviously reminding him of his duties that he can't be slacking on. "But you can ask me, Al. What is it?"

"Um," the boy hesitates. "Hawkeye, could you tell me… how people have sex?"

There is a moment of silence. Then, all too crisply, the sound of Roy biting back a snicker.

Riza, on the other hand, looks deadly serious, as per usual. She glances down, straightens up her papers, sets them aside, and then looks Alphonse in the eye. She whips out her gun, stands, and removes the rounds from the firearm via the bottom of the handle.

"It goes something like this," she explains. "Pretend that this slot," she points to the empty inside of the handgun's grip, "Is a woman's vagina. And this," she points to the detachable magazine, "Is a man's penis. When they are together, it goes something like this." And she abruptly slams the mag back into the gun with a harsh click. "See?"

Al winces. "That looks… _painful._ Girls actually let guys do that? Put _that_… in _there?"_ He looks horrified.

Roy can't help himself; he has to make a remark. "It sounds unsanitary and bizarre, but that's how things are done, more or less. Mind you, Hawkeye explained it a little bluntly, but that _is_ what has to be done." He smirks and looks Al in the eye. "Mind you, there's more movement involved than that. In fact, it's supposed to feel really good to both parties involved when –"

Riza throws her gun at Roy's face, shutting him up with a twitch of his eye as his nose starts to bleed. "Pardon me, Furor, but I do think that's enough. Get back to your work," she commands strictly.

Roy glances down at his papers and rubs his nose, a trickle of blood smearing onto his eye patch. "Yes'm."

Alphonse sighs and heads out of the room, leaving the two to do their jobs. But he doesn't feel like he's heard enough; there has to be more to sex than placing one sex organ into another. How does it _happen_? Havoc was saying something about a thing getting "hard" (whatever that means) and Roy said that there was movement and… pleasure? But _how?_

Al sighs again. Who can he possibly go to who will explain everything to him?

He walks past the library and pauses. Wait a minute… what about Sciezska? The mousy brunette has probably read all kinds of books with sex in them somewhere, right? She had to have, since she's read nearly every book ever created (as far as Al can tell, anyway), and some of those are _bound_ to be about sex since sex is so essential to humans! Right, right?

Happy with his idea, Alphonse bursts into the library in search of the four-eyed girl. He finds her amidst a stack of books in the corner (clearly not doing her job and slacking off), reading.

"Miss Sciezska!" Al says in a chipper tone. "How are you? Mind if I sit by you?"

Her head snaps up and she grins. "Oh, hello, Al. What's up?"

"I was wondering, Sciezska…" he begins with a sweet smile, "Could you tell me the details of sex?"

She goes white, and then pink, and then a cherry red. "Erm… what?"

"Sex. I was wondering if you've ever read about it, and could tell me about it. I've asked a lot of people already, but none of them have explained it very well." He informs her, trying to keep his tone airy.

She stutters, "Uh, well, I don't know. I mean, I found some romance novels before, but the sex scenes were always to graphic for me to stand to read, so I skipped over them and read the endings. And… well, I suppose there's a medical book I could show you that might help," she says, and still with a flushed face, she stands and turns down an aisle. She returns moments later with a large tome. "Here we are, a medical book that has a whole section on reproductive organs and pregnancy!"

She sits down beside Al and lets him hold half of the book while she holds the other. They peer into it together, sneezing a little as dust rises, and bury their noses in a later chapter of the book. But as their eyes scan the text…

_When aroused, the male genitalia is infused with blood to make it stiffen and rise. Natural lubrication from the body will coat the base of the penis. Both processes of arousal allow easy penetration of the female's genitals. The male will proceed to top the female and penetrate. He will then begin a back-and-forth motion until his semen is released, thereby ejaculating sperm into the female to fertilize the egg that should have dropped into her uterus from her ovaries during the ovulation period of her menstrual cycle._

Sciezska slams the book shut, and she and Al say in unison, "Okay, I think we've read enough!"

The young boy, blushing now, thanks her for giving him the answers he needed before dashing out of the library, leaving behind a very embarrassed and dazed brunette.

Later, Alphonse comes stumbling into his and Ed's room, his face still flushed while he pants to catch his breath from running. "Brother!" he wails, knowing full well that his brother is at home. "Sex is disgusting!"

"Well no shit, Sherlock! I could have told you that!" the blond shouts in reply, and Al proceeds to come into the room, blubbering about how he wants to remain a virgin for the rest of his life.

And Edward doesn't blame him. But he does, however, remind the younger boy that it _is_ his fault for being so persistent in finding out the truth about sex in the first place.


End file.
